::i'm happy for you::

my friend jeff just came to see me... it's a happy thing... jeff moved to the bay area almost a year ago...

before he moved, we hung out a lot... we were really good friends... and he moved and for a long time, we stayed good friends... we talked on the phone no less than once a week and he knew everything... he heard my guy-stories, good and bad... we talked about work and life and movies and tv...

i saw him a few times this year - when he came home or when i went down for a class... and it was fun... we laughed and talked... it was like old times...

then, sometime this spring, right around april, something happened... a girl happened... and all of a sudden, jeff and i didn't talk every week or even every other week... all of the friendship and attention he had shown to me was shifted to her...

i don't like jeff that way - we've had several dtr's - and each time we've gone into it thinking we're just friends and walked away as just friends... so i'm not jealous because i want to date jeff or i'm sad that he found someone else...

i just miss my friend... i miss having a guy friend that's there... that is cool and normal and perfect as my good-guy-friend-only... i only remember us getting into a fight one time and it was kind of bad, but then once we didn't talk for a day or two, things were back to normal...

and right now, i wish things would go back to normal for our friendship...

but he likes her, he really likes her... and i couldn't be more happy for him... in the hour that he was here, 45 minutes were spent talking about how great she is and all the cool dates they've gone on... and it's cool that he's experiencing all of that... because seriously, a year ago, he was talking about joining a monastery... so i'm so excited for him... i've never seen him so full of life and joy...

but i found myself saying i was happy for him, hoping my face was convincing... i want to feel happy for him... i want that to come naturally... because i am happy that he has all that...

i miss my friend, but maybe i only miss him because it was comfortable... i feel like the selfish 8-year-old who wants what she can't have... who wants everything her own way, regardless of what it does to other people... and i don't like the way that feels...

i'm so happy for jeff... i guess, in a way, i'm jealous... not in the normal jealous way... i don't want to be dating jeff... but i want what he has... the fun dates that last too many hours to count... for someone to talk about me the way he talks about her... and it's not jeff...

i'm just wondering if he's out there...